I promise you they work
(Read twice to fully soak in the brilliance)
1. Rebrand all roles → with titles such as Scrum Lord
[Everyone needs an agile title]
- Chief of Chief of Chief Product Owner
- Release Train Engineer
Keep the same mindset + responsibilities though [because change is hard]
The more medieval, obscure & important sounding, the better.
Nobody can question you if they don't understand what you do!
2. Copy & paste → the latest fad framework
Why innovate when you can replicate?
It worked for them. it'll work for us too. Right? RIGHT?!
Eh Spotify?
3. Be Agile → in name only
The appearance of agile is better than actually being agile.
Tell people you're agile already. Clients, customers, suppliers
+ Whoever listens.
Add 'Agile' to your company values too.
But don't forget:
- Keep those yearly budget cycles
- And Agile belongs in IT only.
Like CrossFit - how do you know if someone is Agile?
They'll tell you.
4. Plan transformation → on a 2-year-long Gantt chart
And relabel it as a Roadmap.
Win.
5. More tools = More agile.
Buy all the tools!
Who DOESN'T look forward to moving tickets from one column to the next on Jira when they wake up each day?
Remember - You can't be agile if you aren't on JIRA.
6. Certify every one → with a 2-day course
This is the way
Receptionists through to CEO's. You get discounts for doing this at scale
[And the yearly renewal costs aren't that expensive!]
Will they be able to do it in practice? Probably not.
But they'll get a shiny badge for their LinkedIn profile - we all know that's what counts.
7. Bring in the → big consultants Make them part of the furniture.
It's in your interest to let them land & expand.
Why?
- You don't need your own internal capability
- Sifting through CV's is painful
So - Buy more grads from the consultancies at £1k a day.
They absolutely have the experience to help you change.
[Bonus]
8. Ask for feedback from employees → ignore it.
Send out surveys regularly asking for feedback. Never mention it again.
You can then say you took on board people's ideas!
[And involved them in the process]
Why should the people closest to the work decide how they should work?
You've got all the answers.
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If you haven't guessed, this is NOT how to introduce agile. This is heavily satirical.
If you're doing the above, please, just stop.
If you're looking for more tips, tricks, tools or alternatives that might prove more valuable and humane, then look at joining my members only community.
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